Why Is It Harder to Make Friends as You Get Older?
Remember how easy it was to make friends as a kid?
You’d meet someone on the playground, share a snack, and suddenly you were best friends.
But as an adult, it can feel…different.
You might still crave connection, but making new friends can feel awkward, slow, or even impossible.
If you’ve ever thought, “Why is this so hard now?”, you’re not alone.
Let’s talk about why that happens, and how you can change it.
1. Life Gets Busier (and Fuller)
When we’re younger, we have endless chances to meet new people, at school, sports, uni, or work.
But as we get older, our time and energy get pulled in lots of directions, careers, kids, relationships, home life, ageing parents, life admin.
By the end of the day, you might just want quiet, not conversation.
It’s not that you don’t want friends, you just have less time and space for them.
Your capacity has changed, not your heart.
2. We Get Pickier (and That’s Okay)
In your 20s, you might’ve made friends just because you worked or studied together.
But in your 30s, 40s, and beyond, you know yourself better.
You don’t want surface-level friendships anymore. You want people who get you.
That’s not being picky, it’s being authentic.
You’ve outgrown people-pleasing. You’re looking for real connection, not convenience.
The tricky part? Deeper friendships take longer to build but they’re so much more rewarding.
3. We Carry Old Wounds
For many of us, friendships have been complicated.
Maybe you’ve been betrayed, ghosted, or left out in the past.
That kind of pain can make your nervous system go on guard, whispering things like:
“Don’t get too close.”
“You’ll just get hurt again.”
So instead of reaching out, we stay safe but lonely.
Healing old friendship wounds is part of making new ones.
You can’t connect deeply when you’re still protecting yourself from old hurt.
Start small. Trust builds slowly, and that’s okay.
4. We’re All a Bit Tired
Let’s be real, adult life can be exhausting.
Between work, stress, hormones, and endless to-do lists, your energy is limited.
Sometimes even replying to a message feels like too much.
It’s not that you don’t care, it’s that you’re depleted.
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
To build friendships, you first have to refill your energy tank with rest, real food, and time for yourself.
5. Social Anxiety Grows with Age
Surprisingly, many people feel more anxious about socialising as they get older.
You might overthink what to say, worry you’ll seem boring, or fear rejection.
This is often linked to stress, trauma, or nervous system dysregulation.
Your body remembers old experiences (like being left out or judged) and tries to protect you by avoiding similar situations.
But gentle exposure helps. Start small: smile at someone, say hi, or send that message.
Your confidence grows through action, not perfection.
6. Modern Life Isn’t Built for Community
We used to live in tight-knit neighbourhoods or villages where connection was built-in.
Now, most of us work remotely, drive everywhere, and spend more time online than face-to-face.
We’re more “connected” than ever, but often lonelier, too.
The fix? Be intentional.
Join a local class, volunteer, or start a walking group.
The first step might feel awkward, but so did everything you’ve ever learned in the beginning.
7. We Forget Friendship Needs Nurturing
Adult friendships don’t just happen, they’re grown.
And sometimes we expect them to form instantly, like they did when we were kids.
But connection takes effort.
Checking in, showing up, making time even when life’s busy.
The truth is, most people are waiting for someone else to reach out.
Be the one who goes first.
Send the message. Suggest the catch-up.
You might be surprised by how many people were hoping you would.
8. You’re Changing and That’s a Good Thing
As you grow, your values shift.
You might care less about gossip or going out and more about meaningful conversations, nature, or health.
So the friendships that once fit, might not anymore and that can feel sad.
But it’s also an invitation to connect with people who align with who you are now, not who you used to be.
9. Don’t Forget: You’re Not Alone in This
So many people (especially women) feel this way.
We just don’t talk about it.
Everyone’s craving connection, belonging, and real friendship but everyone’s also scared to admit they need it.
The moment you’re brave enough to reach out, you make it easier for someone else to do the same.
Making Friends as an Adult Isn’t Harder Because You’re Doing Something Wrong
It’s harder because life changes, energy shifts, and your heart wants real connection now.
Start small:
– Smile more.
– Be curious.
– Say yes when it feels right.
– Say no when it doesn’t.
You don’t need dozens of people, just a few who see you, understand you, and make you feel safe being yourself.
Because friendship, at any age, is still one of the most healing things we can give and receive.